Wedding days are losing their way -- USA TODAY, October 31, 2011

Magazines and websites love to trot out the latest wedding trends, suchas "vintage touches," "eco-friendliness" and "good night stations." But these are all about style, not substance.

As a pastor, the trends that interest me most involve the sharp decline of marriage in the USA and the rise in non-clergy-officiated weddings.

These are the changes that matter, rather than the modern substitution of cupcakes for a wedding cake. The dropping number of marriages and changing face of officiants will shape the lives of American couples — and their children — for decades to come. These shifts merit some thought as we wrap up this year's wedding season, which runs May through October and typically covers 70% of all ceremonies.

Fifty years ago, about three-quarters of American adults 18 and older were married. Today, about half are. Nearly 40% of respondents to a Pew Research Center survey last year said marriage is becoming obsolete. If you think this is just demographic background noise with no real consequence, think again. This shift ultimately will harm kids because children in married family households are far less likely to live in poverty than those in single-parent households.

There are myriad reasons for the disintegration of American marriages, and I don't have a one-size-fits-all fix, but I do know that just as with a building, little is more important than its foundation. So a marriage's starting point — the wedding day — should be more than just cake and cocktails.

Who ties your knot

A recent survey by TheKnot.com and WeddingChannel.com revealed that almost one in three of their website users who married last year chose a family member or friend to officiate at their ceremony. Since many Americans are not currently part of a religious congregation, it's not surprising that acquaintances are filling in the gaps. This certainly fits my experience over 25 years in the ministry.

When I started out in the mid-1980s, I performed seven or eight weddings a year. Now I'm doing five or six. And while I'm not upset about the additional free Saturdays, I do worry that something important is lost when couples either forgo the formal ceremony or have a family member or friend lead the service.

Why does this matter? Well, relationships are hard to hold together, and a wedding creates a sense of unity not just with the bride and groom but for those in attendance, too. Those who gather to watch a couple make their vows often are the ones who, years later, support a marriage in good times and in bad.

In addition, a measure of accountability comes from making these promises in a public ceremony. Think about it: If you make a private commitment to a person, you can break up by explaining your change of heart to that person alone. But if you make a public marriage promise and later choose to break that vow, you have to justify yourself to parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, childhood friends, college buddies and everyone else who has witnessed your wedding. Some of the glue that holds a marriage together comes from the extended community that not only offers support but also demands accountability.

The trend toward having family members or friends officiate certainly has value, as it personalizes the service. But I am concerned when weddings focus more on love than on promises, which is the natural course to take when officiating for relatives or friends. In the quest to personalize a service, non-clergy officiants are naturally going to focus more on the story of the couple than on the tradition of marriage.

I've done this myself.

When I performed the wedding of two high school friends in 1989, I talked personally about the ways we had changed since we were teenagers, including our ability to love. "Love could be used as a tool or as a status symbol in those days," I said in my sermon. "But now your love is a free gift; the love which seeks first the welfare of the other person."

Good thoughts, but what I failed to note is that marriage is an institution, something far bigger than the love story of two individuals. A Christian wedding is referred to as "the covenant of marriage" because it creates a promise-based relationship, and most clergy can be counted on to keep this tradition alive.

Another benefit of a clergy-led service is that a pastor is free to challenge the couple, noting what a marriage demands of the two individuals. It's not all sunshine and butterflies, after all. Sure, a minister will highlight the beauty of this institution, but he or she can also talk about the responsibilities, the sacrifices and the requirements of this covenant. It's unlikely that a friend or family member chosen to lead this occasion is going to want to "preach" to the happy couple, for fear of crossing a line reserved for a pastor. So we're back to the love story, not marriage, the institution.

Enduring vows

In Washington, D.C., the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception hosted a special service in June for couples who had been married more than 25 years. Victor and Marguerite Dawson attended, having met at a homecoming dance in 1944. As their story was told in The Washington Post, it was love at first sight — at least for Victor, who went home that night and told his mother, "I met the woman I'm going to marry."

They now have five daughters, 19 grandchildren and 19 great-grandchildren, and their marriage of 63 years is steady as a grand oak.

"He's been a good, faithful husband," said Marguerite.

Such faithfulness certainly includes love, but it is grounded more securely in the vows they have made and kept.

With no disrespect to the 43% of Americans who are single (a percentage reflected in my congregation), the time has come to honor the institution of marriage. To really value it. Despite shifting mores and changing times, this promise-based tradition still has currency in 2011. Indeed, marriage helps adults, and it helps children.

Not only does a two-parent household have considerable advantages in sharing the load (and joy, of course) of raising children, but it's also a clear matter of economics — no small matter in creating a healthy family atmosphere. According to a recent Census report, nearly 40% of single-parent households were under the poverty line in 2010, compared with just 10% of married family households.

The importance of marriage to children — in terms of emotional and economic security — is something that can be affirmed by conservatives and liberals alike.

Even with a 50-year drop in marriage rates, two-thirds of Americans are upbeat about the future of marriage and family, according to the Pew Research Center, and 46% of unmarried Americans say they want to get married. Even gays and lesbians want to enter this deeply conservative tradition, as the marriage equality movement makes inroads state by state.

The promise of marriage remains strong, and I believe we can strengthen this institution — and that of the family — by remembering that "I do" is only the beginning of the journey, not the end.

Henry G. Brinton is pastor of Fairfax Presbyterian Church in Virginia, and author of Balancing Acts: Obligation, Liberation, and Contemporary Christian Conflicts.