A Father's Means and Opportunities
Fathers and criminals have a lot in common — both need a motive, a means, and an opportunity. With two teenage children in my house, I've been trying for years to perfect my technique, and have discovered that successful fathering requires not only intense desire, but also the right tools and the correct combination of circumstances. Now, with my daughter graduating from high school and preparing to head off for college, I’m acutely aware that time is short. If I am ever put on trial for being a father, I want to make sure that there is enough evidence to convict me.
I know that motives for parenting are going to vary, and some men are never going to feel a desire to be a good dad. But for those who share this impulse, the failure to complete the job is usually in follow-up, in the areas of means and opportunities. And so, in the language of crime investigation, here is a modus operandi for pulling off successful fathering:
Acquire the means. For so many of us, the means to a good life is money, and we concentrate on accumulating wealth for ourselves and our families. But in good fathering, the means to the end we desire for our children — competence as adults — may be a hammer, a screwdriver, and a wrench. As my daughter gets ready to leave town, I want to make sure she has the tools she needs to hang a picture, tighten a loose doorknob, and change a tire (as well as the basic knowledge of how to complete these tasks). I know of one father who gave each of his daughters a unique gift when they headed off for freshman year: A fully stocked tool box. While it might not have been their favorite present, I bet it was the most useful.
Grab the opportunity. When my 14-year-old son recently got a flat tire on his bicycle, he tried to repair the outer tire with glue, not realizing that the problem was a punctured inner-tube. I flashed back to my own father taking the time to teach me how to take a bike apart, remove the tire and tube, and patch the puncture — something I had never done with my son. And so I jumped at the opportunity to teach a simple skill, and together we assembled the proper tools, traveled to the cycling shop to buy a repair kit, and fixed the tire together.
The problem today is that so many of us are pressed for time, and we are outsourcing the simplest tasks of parenting. Sure, I could have thrown my son's bike into the minivan, and taken it to the cycling shop for a quick fix by professionals. But that would have blown a critical opportunity to share a skill, and would have left my son ignorant of basic bike repair. In the same way, unless I give my daughter the means to perform simple maintenance and repairs, she’ll go off into the world feeling helpless and overly dependent on others. Means and opportunities — these two simple words have become my Father’s Day conviction.
I know that motives for parenting are going to vary, and some men are never going to feel a desire to be a good dad. But for those who share this impulse, the failure to complete the job is usually in follow-up, in the areas of means and opportunities. And so, in the language of crime investigation, here is a modus operandi for pulling off successful fathering:
Acquire the means. For so many of us, the means to a good life is money, and we concentrate on accumulating wealth for ourselves and our families. But in good fathering, the means to the end we desire for our children — competence as adults — may be a hammer, a screwdriver, and a wrench. As my daughter gets ready to leave town, I want to make sure she has the tools she needs to hang a picture, tighten a loose doorknob, and change a tire (as well as the basic knowledge of how to complete these tasks). I know of one father who gave each of his daughters a unique gift when they headed off for freshman year: A fully stocked tool box. While it might not have been their favorite present, I bet it was the most useful.
Grab the opportunity. When my 14-year-old son recently got a flat tire on his bicycle, he tried to repair the outer tire with glue, not realizing that the problem was a punctured inner-tube. I flashed back to my own father taking the time to teach me how to take a bike apart, remove the tire and tube, and patch the puncture — something I had never done with my son. And so I jumped at the opportunity to teach a simple skill, and together we assembled the proper tools, traveled to the cycling shop to buy a repair kit, and fixed the tire together.
The problem today is that so many of us are pressed for time, and we are outsourcing the simplest tasks of parenting. Sure, I could have thrown my son's bike into the minivan, and taken it to the cycling shop for a quick fix by professionals. But that would have blown a critical opportunity to share a skill, and would have left my son ignorant of basic bike repair. In the same way, unless I give my daughter the means to perform simple maintenance and repairs, she’ll go off into the world feeling helpless and overly dependent on others. Means and opportunities — these two simple words have become my Father’s Day conviction.
posted by Henry Brinton | 4:17 AM
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